Why I Chose to Forgive

In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others. 

In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”.  I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey.  Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.

Dated March 4, 2015

Driving to pick up my dog from my ex-mother-in-law’s home, in the first snow storm of the season, after a long weekend in NYC with my best friend and the amazing Betty Dodson, it hit me like a rock, dropping right into my lap.  I needed to see “her” and be OK.  “Her” being my ex-husband’s girlfriend.  My relationship with my ex-husband improved greatly once he moved out after asking for a divorce.  But for a few months it was still extremely hard to see “her”, his girlfriend.  Now, to be clear, there wasn’t cheating involved.  But she was a very close friend of our’s.  I felt betrayed by both of them, but it was different with her.  I can only really explain it by saying that I always knew she was his friend, and I was more like “her friend’s wife”.

I don’t let these things sit.  When I decide I need to do something, I go do it.  That day I went to her house and we had coffee.  We didn’t discuss forgiveness.  We didn’t discuss anything but my son’s reading, which she was helping with.  I hugged her goodbye and told her to take care.  I knew I would be seeing her again and regularly.  It was what was best for everyone, including me.  Most important, it was good for our children.  

We don’t avoid each other now.  She stops by the house with my ex.  She is welcome in my home.  I see her regularly to go over my son’s reading.  We drink coffee.  I tell her about whatever is happening in my life.  We talk about my ex and can relate about many of his quirks.  We have had the forgiveness talk.  I have done my best to show nothing but compassion.

Here’s the thing, this wasn’t easy for any of us.  Breaking up families isn’t easy.  I know it wasn’t an easy choice for my ex.  I know it must have been hard for both of them.  I can have compassion for that choice.  I wanted to make that choice many times over the course of my marriage but I wasn’t strong enough to do it.  My ex is a wonderful father.  He is a good man.  She is a kind person and she cares for our children.  I wish them all the best.  Most of all, I wish for happy homes for my children.  We, all of us, are setting an amazing example for them, on being mature and moving on.  

Does it still hurt?  Only in the ways of letting go of dreams hurt.  I have new dreams now.  But I still mourn the old ones.

Why did I do it?  Why did I make the choice to forgive?  So I could move on.

I didn’t need that part of my story any more.  I didn’t want to be the victim anymore.  And it feels good.  I don’t carry that burden anymore.  And hopefully they don’t either.  I just want everyone to live their best life.  This is mine.

10-Year Take:

Since I love to be transparent here… let’s go! At the time I wrote this, I was really in a place of forgiveness and grace. I’m there now, too. But I did have a moment 2 years ago when I had to acknowledge to myself that part of the story I was sharing about us “post divorce” carried a bit of “protecting my abuser”. I want him and I to be friends. He’s known me longer than almost anyone.

Our marriage wasn’t good. It wasn’t anything close to healthy. It’s so good that it ended, and the fact that he ended it made it so much easier for all of us. But it was an abusive relationship. I know he’s been doing his work, so I don’t want to speculate where he is now in his life, as I’d hate anyone to judge me today based on who I was then. I was abusive, too.

I often say that it’s the relationship I’d like to heal most, his and my relationship. I don’t know if we will ever get to do that. The ball is in his court. I’ve forgiven him enough that we pleasantly share kids and space. It’s not deep. It’s pleasant. Forgiveness and friendship are not the same.