Online Dating Don’ts – And How to Scare Me Away in One Easy Step
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated March 2, 2015
So, you have found me on any number of social media or dating sites. You think you want to get to know me better. You send an introductory message. I immediately run the other direction. Occasionally, I may not run right away, but give you subtle suggestions to change your message. But you, you don’t take the hint because you obviously thought what you said was endearing.
One way or another, you said, “I would move for you”….EEEKK.. NO! You don’t even know me! What that says to me is, “I am needy.”
What are my other turn-offs when it comes to online profiles? Let’s start a list, shall we… (I will add to this list as things pop up for me)
Don’t suggest relocating.
Profile pictures are important! First, have one. I don’t respond to pictureless profiles. Also, have a picture that is actually of YOU! Personally, I don’t want to see you shooting a gun, wearing camouflage (I was raised a country girl but that doesn’t feel like the right fit anymore), in the gym mirror, your children, your cats, an old engagement picture, a group photo unless it is clear which one is you, a lack of close up pictures, definitely not old pictures – I don’t care what you looked like 20 years ago, and don’t look dead in the eyes or I’m probably not going to respond. Please, you get one first impression, get a decent picture even if you have to ask for help.
Pick your screen name wisely. Don’t use a screen name that refers to the size of your manhood, or something that makes you sound lonely/desperate.
Be consistent. If you do anything that weirds me out, I’m bailing on meeting you. I get tons of messages. I will most likely not gel with you based on my stats anyways. I have zero issue just dismissing you.
USE PUNCTUATION! I can’t even reply to someone seriously if you can’t write. You don’t have to be an author (though that is a plus), but you do need to know how to form simple sentences. It is more important to look basically educated than it is to flatter me with compliments.
Don’t say you need to meet someone in order to be happy. Blah. I want to meet people that are happy alone. I want to enhance your life, not be the center of your life.
When messaging a prospective date, don’t use a stock message. A person sent the same exact message two months apart. It was weird the first time, it was extra weird the second time. Here is the message:
“You sound like a really sweet and affectionate girl, tell me more about yourself? Do you smoke or drink or smoke when you get tipsy?”
What does that even mean?
10-Year Take:
Yep. That list still stands. While I’m not on the dating apps these days, I imagine AI has complicated that space. While the prospective date could have hired a coach in the day to help them write their profile or gotten support or extra eyes from a friend, nowadays we have AI. I imagine talking in a less structured space (like a phone call or in-person) would be even more critical for me, and even faster. I was never one to wait or delay a meeting. I needed to know how it felt to share space with the other person. Now, I’d share a phone call at the very least, and quickly.
Oh, and don’t forget about AI pictures! I’ve had some made, and they look like me, but they aren’t. It’s strange.
Put your best self forward, but also be realistic. Showing up for a date and not remotely matching your profile wastes everyone’s time and energy.
When contacting anyone from a dating site or even FetLife, provide some details that show you actually read their profile. Copy-paste general reach-outs will not get you where you hope they will.
What are some things they should know about you? What are you looking for in a partner? What do you offer a future partner? It’s a mutual agreement, everyone should be better knowing the other. If it’s only a one-directional invitation, go hire someone. It’s easier for everyone.
