Is First Date Sex Ok?
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated February 27, 2015
My motto: Have sex on the first date, you may not like each other by the second.
Seriously. If the chemistry is right, why not?
Now, this is assuming you want to have sex. This is also assuming that you don’t have personal issues with casual sex. It is ok if you do. I’m not going to say you must have first-date sex. But what I want to say is it is OK if you wish to have first-date sex.
There is plenty of advice on the internet about waiting for the third date and waiting until marriage. (I beg you not to do that!) I don’t know that I have seen an overwhelming amount of advice about first-date sex.
Here’s my advice:
Know you are confident enough to say no if at any time you start to feel uncomfortable. If you don’t have the confidence to say no, you shouldn’t be engaging in 1st date sex. Period.
Use this first encounter to learn about your potential partner. How well do they communicate? What is their game like? Do they jump to your more intimate areas or take their time? Does their style match your needs and desires? Do you feel comfortable giving directions? Do they take direction well? Are they attentive to your pleasure, not just their own?
Sex doesn’t have to mean penis in vagina (PIV). It can be many other things. For example, mutual masturbation can be a really safe and wonderful way to get to know each other and each other’s needs. In my book, sex is anytime an orgasm (preferably at least two, one for each of you) is involved. You can use this encounter to check their skills. *wink*
Negotiate your sex before starting. This includes using Reid’s Safer Sex Elevator Speech. Discuss likes, dislikes, and risk-aware sex. *Special note: as a sex geek, nothing is more of a turn-on than a partner who springs the elevator speech on me before I get the chance to do it. It has only happened once, and it was endearing. That said, he cared about my safety as much as his.
Take a few minutes to watch Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross give excellent, empowering advice in this video:
Whatever you decide to do, it is your decision. Never have sex because you feel pressured! Only have sex because it feels right for you, 1st date or 40th date. More importantly, never assume a partner is going to have sex with you, 1st date or 40th!
10-Year Take:
Where do I start? First-date sex… still a proponent for the everyday person. I’m glad that I had the personal permission to engage in first-date sex. I learned a lot about myself, sexually, by engaging with a lot of different types of lovers. I also want to recognize that I’m highly curious when it comes to sex, and not much beyond the curiosity of a new individual. Add to that fact about myself that I’ve also engaged in a fair amount of sex work, and I can’t see the current version of me engaging in first date sex… without getting paid for it. When I look at the dating world now, I see a lot of people, primarily cis, heterosexual men, who want the benefits of a sexual relationship without the investment in building a friendship or having a deeper relationship. Honestly, they should be paying for sex. That’s my belief. They don’t want the “trappings” or “labor” required to sustain a relationship, but they do want the outlet or the release available to them when engaging sexually. Cool. Love that for you! Pay for it! Even up that exchange.
I recently did a sex experiment with a gay male friend of mine. He was curious about sex with a woman. You can listen to our interview here, and our follow-up de-briefing here. What I noticed about myself is that the distance I have to travel from the point of my partner being aroused and ready to engage sexually, and my arousal joining us is a long road. The why is pretty clear inside my relationship with my husband: I enjoy it once we arrive at arousal, and I value it as an excellent way to connect with him. In sex work, I see the payment as the acknowledgement and appreciation that I was willing to take that long road with my client. In casual dating or casual sex with my friends, the why isn’t as easy to get to. I don’t NEED to have sex with my friends. I don’t. So it’s just curiosity that gets me there. So, friends, if we “do it,” it’s likely just a one-off experience. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to communicate that in our safer-sex elevator talk.
Oh, and I had first-date sex with both of my long term relationships post-divorce. It’s fine. Do it if you want to.
