Sexual Shame – A Question from a Reader
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated March 6, 2015
Occasionally, I get questions from readers, or in this case, a request for a topic. So here we go…
“I think you need to do a blog explaining that a woman doesn’t need to apologize for squirting… That’s kinda my goal when I am with them…”
Squirting, also known as female ejaculation, is a natural physical response. Here are my quick thoughts about female ejaculation:
It’s not urine. No, you didn’t just wet the bed. Sex is messy and beautiful. Dan Savage covers the topic and the newer research really well in his podcast, Savage Love. Click here to listen.
Not every female-bodied person experiences female ejaculation.
There is no apologizing in sex. Period. Unless, of course, you harm someone, then please, apologize. (The BDSM community will notice I said harm, not hurt. I hear the phrase, “I will hurt you, not harm you,” regularly in the kink community.)
NEVER shame a partner if she happens to ejaculate. NEVER! Be prepared that it could happen again, and cover the area ahead of time with a waterproof material or a few towels.
Female ejaculation requires a sense of comfort and relaxation. She has to feel comfortable to “let go”. This comfort level could take years to reach. It also requires a partner who has reached a level of body acceptance, who has conquered their body shame, let alone sex shame. Remember, not every woman CAN ejaculate. Which brings me to my next point…
While the reader makes getting his partners to ejaculate a goal, because to many this is seen as visible evidence of the pleasure that they gave you, this could put undue pressure on his partner. (We need to stop requiring pleasure to be given, like a gift. But that is another post.) It creates expectations leading to possible feelings of not being good enough, it’s unsuccessful, and that’s not sexy. In his situation, I think it would be best if he did not share the goal with his partners. If it indeed does happen, reassure her that you enjoyed witnessing such an event.
Before writing this post, I shared the topic request with a close friend of mine. Her immediate response was, “It’s just sex shame in general.” It’s true. It is exactly that.
Female sexuality has been suppressed since the Judeo Christians helped morph the worship of Goddesses into the idea that the vagina is unclean and virginity is considered good and pure. As referenced in Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf (Aug 31 2012), “Biblical scholars generally agree that the ideology of Mary’s sacred virginity was a much belated construct of the Church, and that it cannot be confirmed in the original text of the New Testament, which suggest that Mary had several children.” We have been trained by religion to sexually shame the females in society. Tertullian, a prolific early Christian author, actually referred to the vagina as “a temple built over a sewer” and “the Devil’s gateway”. And we wonder why female sexuality is such a taboo topic?! It’s ingrained in us!
We live in a society that holds a double standard when it comes to female sexuality. We desire our partners to be sexual animals, but then turn around and shame them when they are. Stop the sex shaming! And that goes for all genders. If you want your partner to enjoy sex, you need to create a safe space for them. They have to feel comfortable doing whatever feels good. They have to trust that you are going to hold a safe place for them, without the fear of shame. That vulnerability, that ability to share your desires and fantasies, and yes, even female ejaculation, that is where the magic happens.
Equally important, if you do choose to shame a sexual partner, you have just left a lasting mark on them that will take many more positive sexual experiences to erase than that one negative comment from you. That is abuse. Please save your negative judgments because you don’t deserve a sexually free partner. Thankfully, that thing you don’t like, the next partner may love.
Don’t ever let a lover sexually shame you. If they even try, move on. They don’t get the privilege of your sexuality.
If you are dealing with body and/or sexual shame, seeking out workshops like Bodysex can be very healing. Tackle the shame. It will change your life.
My best sex tip: Relax and have sex the way you want to have sex, the way it feels good!
Do you have a question you would like answered? Do you have a topic you would like addressed? Click here to send me a message.
10- Year Take:
Yep, still stands. I’d maybe adjust the language to not be so binary but otherwise…
I’ll also acknowledge that squirting can include some urine and that’s ok too. Full disclosure, my squirt has a definite scent of urine to it at times and I get a little selfconscious about it. Thankfully, my lovers have been more into the sex than differentiating if there was urine involved. That’s the way it should be!
Follow your pleasure! Enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy, assuming there is consent! NO SEX SHAME!
