Friends with Benefits
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated March 9, 2015
I’m a sex geek. (A sex geek is someone who geeks out on sex. I read about it. I talk about it. I talk about it very clinically and academically. It is generally a very non sexy thing for me to talk about, or at least it can be.) One thing very sex geeky about me is the list of podcasts I listen to regularly . Last week I was listening to Sex Nerd Sandra interview Reid Mihalko about friends with benefits (FWB). (You can listen here) He talked about his “slut protocol” and it really had me thinking. Can I do friends with benefits any more? Or do I want to do friends with benefits anymore?
I’ve successfully navigated friends with benefits before. I was newly single. I knew I wanted sex, but I also knew I didn’t want feelings. I needed time before I wanted a relationship. I was with a few friends that I already knew well enough that I figured I wouldn’t fall for them. It felt safe. I was successful.
Listening to Reid’s “slut protocol”, aimed to help ensure neither party in a FWB would fall in love, I found myself acknowledging that I didn’t want to follow the protocol. I want almost every item the protocol says I can’t have.
I actually want the benefits of a relationship, but on a much less intense and serious basis. I know I attach to people easily. I want that connection. I want feelings. I want the sleepovers. I want the weekends away. I want the regular contact. I just need a lot of space. I have a family. I have responsibilities. I have friends. I have a full life that I want someone to share with me, but not full time. Getting those wants and needs figured out is a great feeling.
An occasional hookup? Sure. I’m still ok with that. But it isn’t my goal.
If you are interested in Reid’s “Slut Protocol”, click here.
Ten-Year Take:
Here’s what I notice now, 10 years later:
I’m more relationship geek than sex geek. Yes, I still talk about sex. I know a lot about sex. Even as someone who identifies as asexual, I notice that I talk about it a lot, especially around people who are seeking education. I love educating!
I share Reid’s “slut protocol” so often! While I’m not super into the idea of emotionally unattached sex, many are, and I support them being aware of the behaviors that will emotionally hook into a person.
I wonder what I’d be like in the dating world if I were single. Would I crave the attention? Would I crave touch? Would I actually crave sex? It feels like a million miles away. I’m not the same person I was when I wrote this, and I was actively using dating apps, etc. I have ideas about how I would maneuver in that world, but I really don’t know. 🤷🏻♀️
Ultimately, if you want to have sex, have sex. If you don’t want to have sex outside a committed relationship, don’t. I don’t really care what you do as long as you are in choice. Choose! And then change your mind if you feel you need to or want to. That’s most important: that you choose for yourself and not let society choose for you.
Another note… I started an offering called Soft Cock Week a few years ago. It came about because I had so many men contacting me about their erection issues. The ages vary all across the board. I think it’s a multiplying issue because of casual sex culture, or what I like to call “Tinder culture”. We all think we should be able to engage in casual sex. Not all of us can. Some of us will need more established safety and connection for our bodies to function the way we would like them to. That’s ok. Learn what your body needs and then thank your body for letting you know. Honor that need.
