It’s Time to Talk About STIs
In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others.
In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey. Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.
Dated March 30, 2015
It’s time to talk about sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It’s going to come up. You are dating now. The question is, how will you handle it?
He sent me an message on a dating site, looking for a regular partner for sex, nothing else. At this time in my dating life, that didn’t sound like an awful idea. I was up for meeting him and discussing. I would call this the extended version of Reid’s “safer sex elevator speech“. We sat on his sofa. I sipped on a bottle of water as we discussed sex and sex as an older woman. He was in his late 20s. He seemed to find my attitude refreshing. In this safe space, he moved to the topic of STIs. This is when he disclosed he was HSV2 positive. HSV2 is commonly known as genital herpes. This was my first experience with a STI-positive potential partner. I hadn’t prepared for this moment. We discussed what he knew about HSV2, how he was managing it, and what protocol was appropriate for my safety. I said I wanted to have time to think about it. This wasn’t a romantic partner. This wasn’t a partner I had feelings for. I didn’t know how I felt about taking on this additional risk just for casual sex.
I didn’t have to make that decision because I wasn’t really attracted to him. The chemistry wasn’t strong enough. Out of mind. Moving on. No decision to be made.
Fast forward many months, and I see a man (different man, to be clear) walk into a party I am at, and I am immediately drawn in. Unusual for me, I walk up and ask our mutual friend to introduce us. We seemed to be interested in each other. (2026 note - this is the one time I think I experienced sexual attraction as I’m to understand it now.)
There is nothing better than being able to run to the popular kink social media site, look someone up, and see what their kinks are. You think Facebook stalking is fun? This takes it to a new level. So late that evening, when I returned home, I looked him up, and the first thing I saw was that he was very upfront about his HSV2 positive status. Mind you, he isn’t local, and who knows when I will cross paths with him again. But here I was confronted with the question again… what would I do?
The next day I shared that I had a small crush with two friends. One immediately knew who I was referring to, and her response was, “Have you read his entire profile, honey?”
“I have.”
“There’s some very important warnings on there…or at least there was.”
“I know. I read it.”
I felt the stigma.
My other friend looked him up as we were texting about the party the night before. Same thing. “He’s HSV2 positive.”
“Yes. It’s something to discuss if and when I see him. I’ve only had a little experience with that.”
“I’m surprised you would even consider it, honestly.”
Again, I felt the stigma.
Here’s what I learned this time that I didn’t know last time this was up for discussion: HSV2 isn’t on your standard STI panel. So if you think because you had a clear STI test, that you are negative for HSV2, you are mistaken. You also need to make sure you are getting the correct HSV2 test. Many tests being offered aren’t going to give you accurate results. Also, it can take up to 6 months for antibodies to show. I know I haven’t been specifically tested for it. So I honestly don’t really know my status, and most people don’t.
Other snippets of knowledge worth sharing:
You don’t need to have had a breakout to have HSV2.
You can transmit HSV2 (and HSV1 for that matter) without having a breakout. You can still shed the virus without a breakout. So, avoiding contact during a breakout is excellent, but it doesn’t mean you can’t still transmit it when you aren’t in a breakout.
Antiviral medication is available, but it only reduces your chance of transmission by 50%.
HSV2 (and some other STIs) are transmitted by skin-to-skin contact. So while condoms are always part of my risk-aware sex protocol, condoms won’t necessarily protect you from HSV2.
All of this new information about the lack of testing, etc., left me in an ethical dilemma. I am going to get flak for this attitude, I am sure. But I have to ask if I even want to know my own status? Look at the stigma. I felt the stigma just over sharing that I have a crush.
Most people haven’t even been tested, I am sure of that, and yet they freak over someone who is openly sharing his status. He could have chosen to privately disclose his status to just potential partners. Instead he took a very public stance in sharing. That is very brave.
What would you do? That is a question you might want to start considering now, before you end up in the situation requiring an answer. You might want to make that decision now, not in the heat of the moment.
I try to test for STIs every 6 months. I am due and will be making an appointment today. I have to ask myself the question: now that I know that I have to ask for a specific test, how would I feel knowingly not knowing? Stay tuned.
Ten-Year Take:
I’m so happy with the timing of this 10-year take! 🥳
I’m making this my announcement, which I’m doing to be a good role model…
My testing regiment just turned up to every 3 months as I’ve started taking PREP, a category of medication used to prevent HIV infections. (PREP requires testing every 3 months.) I decided to start taking it after conversations with my friend Alexxx Gay, as well as a lover who is taking it. In those conversations, I noticed that I had not kept up on the what I’m calling “medical tech” when it comes to risk aware sex practitices. I grew up in the AIDS crisis and I was still in the “condoms for penetrative sex” phase of education. I’ve also got a prescription for Doxy-PEP (a medication that I can take after unprotected sex to help prevent a variety of STIs). This has allowed me to move my risk tolerance for unprotected sex with others beyond my husband, when I choose to.
My stance on HSV hasn’t changed much other than I have said yes to playing with people who are positive. 🤷🏻♀️ I generally feel that people knowing their status is actually safer than those that don’t know their status.
I also want to share this great resource! Go check out Something Positive for Positive People, founded by my colleague and friend, Courtney Brame.
Interested in sexual health telehealth? I’ve started using QCare+.
