How to Conquer Rejection

In 2014, I started a blog called Sex After Marriage. I was going through the transformation one does after coming out of an 18-year marriage with a man that I met at 17 years old. I was finding out who I was. I started this blog to chronicle my journey. I figured that if I was inspiring myself, I would surely inspire others. 

In 2024, it’s now been 10 years. I thought it might be time to republish the blog with my “10-Year Take”.  I’m looking forward to seeing what’s changed and what has stayed the same. This is a gift to myself as I come into my 50th year on this planet, the same age my mom lost her 2-year battle with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. In some ways, it feels like I’m on borrowed time. In other ways, I feel like I’m completing her incomplete journey.  Mom, you are missed and I’m not sure I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had to feel the loss of you. Thank you for reading.

February 23, 2015

I recently shared my story of my first rejection.  Here is where the story picks up…

It had been a few weeks since my first rejection.  I got a lovely message from a very attractive gentleman on my usual dating site.  We spent the week having long conversations on the phone, something I had done only once or twice since the split with my ex-husband. (I have now added this to my vetting process.  I can get a much better read on a person over the phone than through text.) Finally, again, I was hitting it off with someone.  Yay!!!!  Seriously, it doesn’t happen often enough.  We got a lot of business out of the way before we even made plans to meet.  We agreed on non-monogamy.  I knew I didn’t have the same relationship goals as him, but since we would continue to date other people, I agreed that it wasn’t a problem.  (This is much more information than I usually get before a first date.)

When it came time to plan our first date, he asked if it would be okay if we just got a hotel room and ordered in.  It sounded perfect, actually.  I love conversation, and it is always best when it isn’t in a loud, public venue.  Now, this doesn’t match most dating advice on meeting in public first.  I follow that rule 99% of the time.  This was an exception.  I felt comfortable during our phone conversations.  It wasn’t nearly as risky as meeting him at his place.  I got the room in my name and knew I could ask him to leave if it didn’t feel right.

I was in the room about an hour before he could join me. It felt really odd to answer a hotel room door like it was my front door. I was so worried that I would be rejected. That last meeting was in my head. I needed a positive experience to wipe it away.

He walked in carrying a bag of Chinese take-out.  He sat the bag down, I greeted him with a hug, and then we sized each other up, or that is how it felt.  Here, I was worried I wouldn’t be what he expected, but it seemed he was worried about the same thing.  He asked me, “Am I what you expected?”  I think we both knew that we had taken a risk by meeting this way.  With that risk, any rejection might have felt worse.  I could have ended up in a hotel room watching cable for the night.  But I didn’t.  We had a wonderful evening.  And my fear of rejection was back in check.  I just needed a positive experience to replace the uncomfortable experience from before.

My advice is that if you have a less-than-positive experience in life, get back out there and replace it with a new, better experience. Don’t let it take up too much space in your head, and definitely don’t give it a long-term lease.

10-Year Take:

That was an interesting one to read. As a professional that has dabbled in sex work, it’s an interesting time in my life to look back on. I noticed a bit of embarrasment as I read it. Yes, I had a lot of dates like this. Actually, I really gelled with that guy and I had sex with a lot less “like” for the person.

If I was dating now, I think I’d do it a bit differently. Now, I’d get to know the person more before jumping into bed with them, or at least I think I would. Having been paid to hook up with men, I look at all the money I missed out on. Can people have casual sex? Yes! Absolutely! And at that time in my life, I was experimenting, learning what I wanted and didn’t want when it came to sex. I was sure I didn’t really want a relationship at that time, which would shortly shift. It was fine that I was having this kind of casual sex.

I don’t have sex for the sake of having sex any longer. I got all of that experimentation/learning out of the way before I knew I could get paid for it. AND… I think many of these people should be paying for it! If you really want casual, no strings, paying for it is the best way to not have strings. It’s a clear-cut transaction.

What I know about myself, especially in hindsight, is that I had a lot of sex to make sure I was still desirable. Either it was for my own self-esteem or to temperature-check my relationship. Once I had a new relationship with my self-worth, my reasons for sex changed. I used sex for a lot of different reasons. My reasons for sex are cleaner and clearer now. I have sex now because I value it in my relationship. I like it as a form of connection. In my friendships, if it happens, it’s likely due to curiosity. I want to know what it would be like to have that experience with them. I’m a “curious-sexual”.